Pierced

I'm Sorry, J:

But, dude, that crust on your tongue ring was why I rarely kissed you, not because I had a cold sore.

--E

Pull

I'm Sorry, M:

If you had not kept pushing me to fall at the feet of another woman, I would still be T-totally in love with you.

--A

Jets

I'm Sorry, S:

But I knew you cheated on me with that chick in the hot tub!

--R

Exhaust

I'm Sorry, D:

But I can't stand your constant whining about your physical complaints or how tired you are.

--P

Crutch

I'm Sorry, J:

I didn't need you anymore after she died.

--L

Gassed

I'm Sorry, C:

But it wasn't funny when you farted the first time we kissed, and it made me hate you even more when we broke up.

--E

Template

I'm Sorry, K:

But, I just can't get over I.

--S

Worm

I'm Sorry, P:

But the fact that you made me wait 15 minutes in your living room for our date to start while you finished a chapter in A People's History of the United States did not impress me, it made me think you were a douche.

--T

Epiphany

I'm Sorry, A:

I know you're the best thing for me and we would be perfect together, but
I'm just not attracted to you and I never will be.

--X

Fancy

I'm Sorry, T:

I could have never lasted with a guy who ate french fries with a fork.

--E

Cueball

I'm Sorry, J:

But I lied every time I shaved your head when I said your hair wasn't thinning.

--B

Saver

I'm Sorry, M:

I convinced you to only apply to jobs in which you didn't have to shave your goatee off, because I was repulsed by your chin.

--A

Cherry

I'm Sorry, D:

If you had not asked me if I was planning on staying a virgin, you probably would have been my first.

--A

Broseph

I'm Sorry, B:

But I knew that you were hooking up with your buddy after I went to bed.

--F

Mother

I'm Sorry, K:

But the way you hummed Danzig that one night on the way to the China House was what prompted me to finally break up with you.

--E

Roomies

I'm Sorry, J:

But I knew that I would end up hooking up with my new roommate (and now husband) after we broke up.

--B

Dogged

I'm Sorry, K:

I bought you that puppy for Christmas because I planned to break up with you and knew you would be lonely.

--B

Physical

I'm Sorry, D:

But I could not make myself physically attracted to you.

--D